Bearly surviving.

For Christmas last year I received a book, The Extreme Survival Guide, which was a very thoughtful gift. It was, however, in some sense a commentary on my life -- more or less as she viewed things -- essentially saying, "here read this, you're gonna need it!" The book is intended to be a practical guide covering a breadth of topics ranging from, how to survive a shipwreck, or what to do if you are stranded on the side of the road in Alabama (not sure which is worse), to more practical things as how to deal with a bad hair day, or endure a really bad cup of coffee.

To be honest, I never thought I would have much need for such a tome. My life is relatively uneventful for the most part. My only death-defying act I am capable of is driving my scooter at dusk, when the mosquito density is so thick that I am bound to get one in my eye resulting in a bloody crash into the neighbors back yard at 12 mph. Thus, I feel no compelling reason to commit The Extreme Survival Guide to memory.

However, this past Memorial Day, I had just the opportunity to crack open this book. I was sitting on the deck in the back of my house enjoying a glass of red wine. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed what appeared to be a large dog, I thought perhaps a German Shepherd because of its large brown snout - which is the only thing I saw at first glance. I took another sip of wine and peered over for another look. This time it was very clear what I was seeing --- b-b-b-b-e-a-r..... bear! Holy shit, a HUGE black bear, about 20 feet from me turns and looks directly at me. It scared me, so much so that I damn near spilled my wine!

He (or she... I really didn't bother to lift its tail to confirm this...) ambled through my back yard until I stood up to make my daring escape. Then, it left out a startled "grunt" and ran into the woods at an alarming rate. I had no idea these creatures were so fast! I was so addled from the encounter I ran into the door -- literally, ran into the door, not through it -- after gaining my composure and turning the door knob I managed to run through the door and tell the kids. B-b-b-b-e-a-r!! Look! And they did, confirming my sighting was not some wine induced hallucination.

I immediately called my oldest brother, to explain what just went down. He suggested that I immediately call the Department of Natural Resources to report it.... which I thought was a really stupid idea. Once the DNR sees all the garbage I've been throwing in woods behind my house I will have some explaining to do. No wonder there is a bear infestation in my back yard.

Needless to say, I am no longer taking midnight strolls through the woods.... at least not without my bear spray. Thanks Extreme Survival Guide I never thought I would need to know how to deal with a bear encounter -- even one at 20 feet away was close enough for me.